Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
