I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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