"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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