I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
