Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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