So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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