it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
