I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
