Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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