I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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