I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize