Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
