i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
