I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
