oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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