my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
