While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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