I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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