hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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