I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
