Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
