sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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