i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
