somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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