Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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