First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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