Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
