walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
