I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
they're like a gay fantastic four
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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