Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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