I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
this hospital has no fireball
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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