Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
