sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
