I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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