at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
