I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
