I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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