He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
