flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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