Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
