omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize