Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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