I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
