The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
