is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
even my farts smell like vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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