I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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