Quick, to the slutcave!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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