I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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