don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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