if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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