Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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