I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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