Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
