I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
