In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
