Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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