She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You made out with two different species that night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize