The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
