so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As shirtless as possible
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
