Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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