My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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