I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Found your dick twin last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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