totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
