My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
