Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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