I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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