I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
