dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
