If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
