Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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