Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize