Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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