This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
