Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(909): View more from California

it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.

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(802): View more from Vermont

she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor

(1-802): View more from Vermont

oh but she would

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(417): View more from Missouri

All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.

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(406): View more from Montana

I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies

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(757): View more from Virginia

This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop

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(514): View more from Quebec

Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?

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